KRAZEE SHIT FOR 2018

Krazee Shit is a collection of random, funny, entertaining stories and Shouts from our fellow Krazees. As usual, for privacy shakes, all stories are anonymously sent to us via our Secret Feature, or via KRAZESTER—the social media network for Krazees. If you would like to send us a story, send us a Secret, and if we like it, we will share it; also, you can send WILDLY KRAZY a Whisper on KRAZESTER, via our Brand Page.

July 10, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—Sometimes when I am driving and I get behind a slow person that does 10 to 15mph below the speed limit, I wish I could hit a power up box in the road and receive three red turtles, like in Mario Cart, because I would fire one right up their ass; especially those people who bust ass and pull right out in front of you, and then proceed to do 15mph under the speed limit.

July 5, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—The other day I was having sex with my bestfriend's wife when the phone rang... It was her husband—my bestfriend—telling her that he was going to be late, because he was out helping me work on my car, after it broke down.

July 5, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—Crash was riding his tricycle through the house, when he rode into his brother's room, screaming, "anyone want to get on this bus—this god damn bus is never late!"

Crash's older brother then says, "if mom heard you say that, she'd knocked the piss out of you!"

Undeterred, Crash rolls into his sister's room, screaming, "anyone want to get on this bus—this god damn bus is never late!"

Crash's older sister then says, "if mom heard you say that, she'd beat your ass!"

Unfazed from the warning, Crash speeds into the kitchen where is mom is cooking fried chicken.

Crash's mom has just gotten off work, and came home to cook dinner for the family, so she has flour all over her, while she sweats over a kitchen stove, as dishes pile up in the sink.

Crash speeds in and stops at her feet, when he looks up and screams at his mom, "anyone want to get on this bus—this god damn bus is never late!"

Without saying a word, Crash's mom smacks him across the face, sending Crash off his tricycle and onto the kitchen floor, leaving behind a floury-hand-print across Crash's right cheek.

Crash sits up, rubbing flour from his face, and says, "mom, bitches like you make a bus late…"

July 5, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—What is the difference between girls ages 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8-years-old, you take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18-years-old, you tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28-years-old, you do not need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38-years-old, she tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48-years-old, you tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58-years-old, you stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68-years-old, if you take her to bed, that will be a story!

June 29, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—I was driving while my girl friend sat passenger when this strong smell of cat shit and eggs hit my nostrils... We were driving by the stock-yards where they hold and slaughter cattle and pigs, so I thought it was from that.

I rolled up the windows, in the middle of the summer, to try and get the cat shit smell to go away, until I look over at my girl friend laughing her ass off.

She was wearing a skirt and thong, and had farted without anything there to catch or filter the fart. The car smelt like eggs and cat shit rolled into one for a few minutes afterwards.

June 29, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—I got bitched out by a customer because our lotion had a cartoon picture of a polar bear and penguin together on an iceberg.

The customer wanted her money back because "polar bears and penguins do not live in the same regions—one lives at the north pole, while the other lives at the south pole. That is false advertisement, and you need to stop putting that on your lotions."

"Ma'am, I just work here—I do not draw the cartoons, or make the lotion packages," I said.

"Bullshit—I want my money back for false advertisement," the woman replied back.

June 28, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—When I see my wife undressing after work, I sneak in and attack like a ninja, until she yells at me...

June 27, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—One night after my wife went to bed, I decided to jack-off. Yes, I finished, but after I finished, I decided to open a new webpage to read some nightly news articles. Eventually, I fell asleep in my computer chair, forgetting to close-out the porn page that I was viewing.

My wife happens to wake up to go to the bathroom, finding me asleep in the computer chair, and a video of a big black chick getting reamed in the ass by a 9-inch dildo.

June 26, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—We got this new guy fresh out of high school at this concrete company that I work for, and apparently, he did not know how spray-paint worked. We told him, "shake the spray-paint can until you cannot hear the metal peas inside of the can anymore".

After 15-minutes of him shaking the spray-paint can and him yelling, "I still hear the balls!" we decided to tell him the truth...

June 25, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—When he was four years old, my son thought moles were nipples, no matter how much you corrected him.

When he was born, he had a mole on top of his head...pretty much a birthmark.

One day at church, he was in his class and they were playing "body part" game, where they had to shout out and name off each body part that the teacher pointed at.

The church teacher, that directed the little kid bible study class, pointed at her hair and said, "what do we have growing from our heads?"

My son, according to the teacher, shouts out, "I have nipples on my head!"

June 23, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—During Marine Corps SOI [school of infantry],we were out in the field, sleeping, when we're all awakened by one of the Marines screaming. We look over, and one of the fire-watch Marines was beating another Marine with the stock of his rifle in the stomach, while the Marine getting beat was inside of his sleeping bag, screaming.

The fire-watch Marine was yelling, "hold still—it's crawling towards your face!"

The fire-watch Marine was trying to kill a scorpion that had crawled onto the sleeping Marine. Yes, the fire-watch Marine killed the scorpion, but he also bruised the fuck out of the sleeping Marine's stomach.

June 23, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—When I was still in high school I worked at the local movie theaters, and one of my nightly jobs was to clean the bathrooms.

The first thing I would do was walk around flushing all of the toilets, because you would be surprised at how many people do not flush.

I walk into this stall and find shit wiped across the walls, on the toilet seat, and the toilet filled with massive turds—about the size of large cucumbers—so I flush it and the damn toilet starts filling up with water, because it was clogged.

Two massive turds are floating on top of the water as the toilet continues to fill with water. I am sitting there freaking out, and I told myself that if one of those turds flow over the toilet and flopped on the floor, I am quitting right there, on the spot.

Seconds later, I quit my job because of two floaters sitting on the floor.

June 22, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—My husband and I, including his drunk friend, were leaving the bar after a birthday party. I am the designated driver, while my husband sat in the passenger seat, and his friend sat directly behind my husband in the backseat, on the passenger side.

Both my husband and his friend had their windows down when my husband pukes out the window while we're doing 75mph on the highway, causing the puke to fly directly into the backseat of the car, hitting his friend in the face.

His drunk ass friend sits there and says, "roll up the windows! I think it's raining!", as he sat there with my husbands puke-chunks all over his face.

I almost barfed.

June 22, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—I told my wife to stop buying cookies because I eat damn near the whole package in a day, hindering my ability to stay skinny.

"Don't eat them," my wife said.

"That's like putting pussy in front of my face and telling me not to eat..." I shot back.

Apparently, my 15-year-old daughter was in the other room, and I did not know it, so she blurts out, "Ewwww! That is gross, Dad!"

"Your outlook on life will change in a few years," I replied back.

June 22, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—I was drunk one night, damn near passed out on the couch, when this random girl walked over and started giving me head. Within three minutes of her sucking, I accidentally pissed all inside of her mouth like a water hose, causing her cheeks to fill up, looking like a chipmunk.

She quickly jumps up and spits the piss all over me, and that is the last I remember from that party.

June 22, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—Have you ever been eating potato chips and you accidentally bite your fingers?

June 21, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—One night I have was having sex in my car with a beefy guy that I was dating. Besides his weight issue, he had the smallest penis I had ever seen, so the sex sucked and was very awkward, to say the least. It was our first time having sex and it was the worst. I am tiny and petite, and it was like trying to have sex with a gorilla, as he pinned me to the side of the car, trying to put his pinky-sized dick in, but it just was not working. He was basically humping the air—because there was no actual penetration—shaking the car, making these horrible grunting noises while I kind of had to just stay there pinned down.

Somehow or another, the panic alarm on my car gets hit, causing it to go off. I am frantically trying to get unpinned and find my keys, while he is having issues trying to get unstuck from the backseat. All the while, my car alarm is going off down the street from my house.

He jumps out of the car half naked, as neighbors come out of their houses, standing on their porch.

Story short, I took him home and we haven't talked since.

June 21, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—My son calls his penis a "nakey". Anyways, when he was three years old, he had just started potty-training a few months before and he was still trying to get the hang of it, until he experienced his first morning wood when trying to pee.

The poor kid was peeing everywhere but inside of the toilet, so he yells, "it's not working!"

So I, his dad, tells him its because its bigger in the morning sometimes, and that you have to really push it down to be able to pee.

He blurts out, "darn ole big nakey," as he fights his pecker.

June 21, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—I sleep naked, but, apparently, none of my children knew about it... My four-year-old son walks in as I wake up, and says, "Dad! You're naked! You can't be naked! You need shorts on...you'll pee the bed!"

June 20, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—One night when I was home alone, I had heartburn, so I took some Tums my dad had, and tried to swallow them whole with a can of Sprite. I did not know you had to chew the damn things. I guess that is why they have warning labels for retards like myself.

I tried to swallow two at the same time using Sprite, but when I did, they started bubbling and fizzing in my throat, choking the shit out of me, until it finally foamed out of my mouth, and all over the floor.

I looked like a rabid dog, foaming from the mouth, on my hands and knees, choking to death on Sprite and Tums.

June 19, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—I was over at a buddy and his wife's house with a few friends, drinking and playing a board game and some cards. I was just getting over a stomach virus, which gave me smelly farts and burps, so that entire night, I kept burping an eggy-smell towards a plant that my buddy had in the corner, that sat right beside me at the table.

When I had to burp, I would turn towards that plant and burp a silent, eggy-smell, because these burps were repulsive and foul, and I didn't want anyone at the table to smell or experience my burp-funk. I cannot count how many times I turned towards that plant and burped, but two days later, I find out from my buddy that the plant had died.

"My wife's plant died today—turned brown and leaned over. My wife doesn't understand how it died, because she had it for nearly six years, and it seemed healthy," my buddy told me.

"That's weird," I told him.

June 19, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—When my wife and I go for rides in our truck—when I am sitting in the passenger seat—I sometimes make machine gun noises with my mouth, imagining I am driving down the streets of Iraq.

My wife thinks I am weird, or have PTSD, but she doesn't understand the concept of a combat Marine with the 0331 MOS; plus, I get bored driving.

June 19, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—My husband and I went out to the bar with some friends for his birthday party, and, of course, all of our friends bought all of the drinks he could drink. He drank beer after beer, and shot after shot, until it was time to leave the bar.

Two of his buddies had to damn near carry him out to our car, because he could not walk. When we got home, it was a miracle he made it inside our house. He had to literally crawl on his hands and knees out of the car and up to our house, and straight to our bed.

When we got in bed, he said, "I get birthday booty!"

I tried to tell him that he was too drunk to perform any type of sexual activity, because he could not sit up, or walk, let alone fuck.

He insisted, however, saying,"I will just lay here and eat your pussy, while you ride on top. Spread your legs, and I'll eat your pussy now."

Okay...I agreed, and took off my dress and panties.

Within thirty seconds of eating my pussy, he says, "I'm sick..." and then he puked all over my pussy, causing yellow, liquid-chunky shit to run down between my ass crack, all the way to my lower back.

Needless to say, I made him sleep on the couch with a 'throw-up bowl' beside him.

June 19, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—I did not learn how to swim until I was 19-years-old. One day, my girlfriend and I—now my wife—decided to go to the local pool for a few hours of swimming. She knew I could not swim, but always joked about it, saying, "I can't marry someone who cannot swim."

Eventually, on the day we went to the local pool, I decided to get brave and jump off the diving board. My wife tried to talk me out of it, but I was not going to be a pussy husband that could not swim. I walked up to the diving board, nervous as Hell, and then I jumped with a leap of faith, landing in the ten-feet deep water. I sank completely to the bottom, struggling to swim and reach the surface. I struggled for like fifteen to thirty seconds, until my chest and lungs started hurting. I thought I was going to drown, until I saw two women swimming down towards the bottom at me.

Yup, a female life guard and my girlfriend saved me that day from a watery grave. After that day, I took swimming lessons with a group of 3, 4, and 5-year olds at the local YMCA. Now I can swim.

June 18, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—Let's face it—seeing a camel toe in leopard-print-leggings at Wal-Mart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari...

June 18, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tinfoil.

June 17, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—Wal-Mart has the most retarded carts, ever. You know—those carts that veer left or right, instead of straight; those carts that violently shake and wobble, sounding like a damn freight train speeding down the aisle, while everyone stops and stares at you. There's also those retard carts that have one wheel that does not spin or work.

I was at Wal-Mart the other day and accidentally grabbed a retard cart, and it was one that constantly veered to the right, bumping into shit in the aisle as I tried to walk. Anyways, I get near the checkouts and the retard cart hit the tiniest pebble on the floor, causing the wheels to lock up, making this very loud god-awful screeching sound—like finger nails over a chalkboard—as everyone turns around and stares at me trying to fight a retard cart and a floor pebble that halted my movement.

"All done," I said to myself, as I walked out, leaving the retard cart behind.

June 16, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—Mario Go-Cart is a great game for a group of Krazees on the weekends, until one of you sends a blue turtle hurdling down the road at your best friend on the third and final lap.

June 16, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—After an all day of drinking, my friends and I decided to have a barbecue, so we went to Wal-Mart to pick up a pack of hamburger and hotdogs.

Well, that morning before we started drinking, I had eaten two egg McMuffins from McDonalds, so I had these raunchy egg and beer farts damn near the entire day...the silent but deadly farts.

My friends and I are standing next to this old lady at the hamburger, when my stomach started doing somersaults and cramping. Within seconds, my ass released a silent nerve agent, striking everyone's nose. Of course, my friends and the old lady had no idea where it came from, so my friends are looking around with a disgusted face, and the old woman next to us picks up a package of hamburger and starts sniffing it.

She leans over to my buddy, and says, "I think this meat is rotten spoiled..."

June 16, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—That time you're walking and you trip over your own feet, right in front of a group of hot ladies, only to look back for an invisible crack, so you don't look like a dumbass...