MARIO SNOW KART

July 22, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—It was a few weeks before Christmas, during our junior year in high school, when school let out early, due to a winter storm.

It started sleeting and snowing nonstop at about 9am that day, resulting in a foot of snow before school let out three hours early. It was so bad that day, a school bus and a city snow truck slid and wrecked into a ditch along the road, and many kids were unable to leave school for hours, because the school buses could not pick them up, and parents, and everyone one else, as well, played hell trying to get around. The roads were a mixture of ice and snow, and the winter storm just continued to pound us, dumping more and more sleet and snow all day, and all night.

Within two hours of being out of school, they cancelled the next school day, and eventually for a third school day, because the cold froze your balls. The third school day was cancelled because it was like -20 to -25 degrees below zero, during the day.

On the day that school let out early, we decided to stay at Brandon's house to play Mario Kart all night, along with a few frozen pizzas, because all local fast-food and pizza-joints closed up shop, due to the winter storm.

Yes, of course, it was old school Mario, too—the very first Mario Kart.

There we were, all five of us—Nick, Matt, KRAZED, Brandon, Thomas and myself—playing Super Mario Kart, that came out in 1992; however, it was 2003 during this incident. All the while, we chugged and chowed down five frozen pizzas, and two or three 2-liters of Mountain Dew. We did this for several hours until about 3am when we decided to play real-life Mario Karts in the snow.

"Let's take the truck to Hyde Park, and do this in the snow," Thomas said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Sleds and a rope, and we hold onto the truck as it pulls us around, trying to push each other off. The last person to fall off, wins," Thomas explained.

"We did this shit last year, too—and snow balls are legal. They act as turtles," KRAZED further explained.

This was my first time playing, but this night would be their fifth or sixth time playing, and so, we got dressed for the freezing cold, threw four sleds in the back of the truck, and took off for Hyde Park, to play Mario Snow Kart, which is what they called it.

Normally, it was a 10-minute drive away, but with the ice and 3-foot of snow, and still snowing, it took us about 20-minutes to get to the park. The streets were dead-empty, too, because only retards, such as ourselves, decide to sled in -30 below zero at 3am in the morning.

Finally, we arrived at Hyde Park.

Hyde Park is a big park that is covered in trees, with a parking lot next to the park, and a road that circles and wraps around the entire park. The road does look like a race track, too, because it is a complete circle around the park, that also has two, medium sized hills.

We got the plastic sleds out of the truck, and tied the four pieces of rope to the ball of the truck's tow hitch.

We made Brandon the all-time driver, because he is a pussy, and hates the snow and cold, while the rest of us grabbed a plastic sled, the rope, and a single snow ball to start off with.

"Go, bitch!" Thomas shouted at Brandon, after we were ready to start the game.

Driving the entire road around Hyde Park, while doing 25mph, we launched snowball after snowball at each other. We even pushed and purposely crashed into each other, trying to knock fuckers off the sleds, as we continued to scoop snow from the ground with our hands to form snowballs, as we flew down the street, holding onto the ropes for dear life. We were flying down the road, back and forth, without any control, whatsoever, as snow and snowballs blasted us in the heads and faces, until only one person was left on a sled.

On our third game, we were flying around the parking lot, coming around a curve, when Nick's rope broke from the truck, sending him flying into a parking lot light post.

Nick laid on the ground a good five minutes as he moaned and groaned in pain from slamming into the light post's concrete base, ribs first.

"Get up, pussy—you're okay," Matt declared, while standing over Nick.

"Come on, cunt-lips—we have a game to play," KRAZED stated.

"I can't breathe, assholes—I think I broke my ribs," Nick said.

"More like a finger nail," Thomas said, laughing.

"Seriously… Look at my ribs…they're fucked up," Matt said, showing us his ribs that were already bruised.

"You'll be alright, pussy," Matt said, as he slapped Nick on the ribs, causing Nick to scream.

"Motherfuck!" Nick screamed, before jumping up and tackling Matt in the snow, and then rubbing Matt's face into the snow.

After pulling Nick off of Matt, we started the game once again, except the fourth rope was much shorter this time around.

"You broke the rope, so you get the short rope, bitch-tits," I explained to Nick.

"Fuck you—that rope is cursed. I'm not using that rope," Nick declared.

"I'll use it," Matt said.

"Let's do this," Thomas said.

Matt sat about five feet in front of us, beings his rope was much shorter after it broke, so all four of us bombarded the back of Matt's head with snowballs until he fell off, wiping out in a snow mound alongside the road. He really didn't stand a chance, either, beings we tag-teamed him from behind—no homo—causing him to fall off within 15-seconds of starting.

Nick was the next to bite the dust, as his sled hit the street curb, flipping him over.

KRAZED and Thomas were next to wipe out, after those two pushed and bumped into each other, causing them to wipe out at the same time. Therefore, by default, I won the game after receiving about six snowballs to the head. It was my first win in Mario Snow Kart, too, on our last game.

After our last game, Matt got the bright idea of building a snow ramp in the middle of the parking lot, so we could fly over it as the truck pulled us, doing 25mph.

Therefore, we spent about 30-minutes building a half-ass snow ramp, and a huge mound of snow at the end of the ramp, so that we did not kill ourselves when we jumped the ramp. The plan was to pile onto a single sled, as one person held onto the rope, and then, we would fly off the ramp, into the cushioning snow at the end. As usual, our plan did not work out as planned.

Here we are, all five of us piled onto a tiny, plastic sled, as Thomas had the job of holding onto the rope, while Brandon pulled us over the ramp with the truck. We looked like circus clowns, too, piled onto a tiny, pink sled that belonged to Brandon's sister, as we all laid on our backs, nut to ass, like a homo-sandwich.

On the first attempt, we missed the ramp completely, and we missed again on the second attempt. On the third attempt, the rope slid from Thomas' hand, causing us to speed out of control, hitting the side of ramp, flipping us backwards after a good 3-feet into the air.

On the fourth attempt, both KRAZED and Thomas held onto the rope, as Brandon raced down the parking lot, doing about 25mph. Brandon then quickly turned the truck, causing us to fly over the ramp at about 8 to 9-feet into the air.

Of course, not one of us stayed on the sled, either, while we flew through the air. It felt like eternity, too, while we flew through the air at about 10-15mph, and I knew it was going to hurt once we hit the ground, after seeing how far I was off the ground.

One by one, we all flew about 5 to 6-feet over the mound of snow we built as our cushion, causing us to crash onto the parking lot pavement, knocking the wind out of us. Luckily, there was a good 3-foot of snow on the unplowed parking lot to break our fall, because otherwise, we would have, surely, broken something, but it still hurt like a bitch.

Not one of us said a word, as we laid on the ground, motionless, gasping for air. Brandon parked the truck, and got out laughing his ass off.

I do not remember what Brandon said to us as we laid there on the parking lot, but he could not stop laughing, as he knelt in the snow, as his face turned red from laughing so hard.

The memory of this incident is foggy, but I think we laid on the ground a good 10-minutes in pain.

I had sharp pains running down my back, and I swear, I sprained my wrist, because it was so tinder and red, I could not touch it without bringing tears to my eyes. I remember my back and wrist hurting a week after the incident, which forced me to go to the doctor. According to the doctor, luckily, I just bruised my lower back, and my wrist, but it felt so much worse than just a bruise, because it hurt just to breathe for several days afterwards.

"Fuck that shit… I am done and ready to go play Mario Karts. I think I broke my ass bone," KRAZED said, as he laid on his back in the snow.

"I bit my fucking tongue," Thomas said, as he leaned over and spit up blood.

Meanwhile, Brandon could not say a damn thing, because he could not stop laughing.

"You fucking retards! Oh my god, my head hurts from laughing so hard," Brandon declared, as he continued to laugh.

"What genius thought of this plan?" Matt asked.

"You, you fucking numb-nuts," I said, as I tried picking myself off the ground, while babying my wrist like a little bitch.

"Come on—let's do it again," Brandon said, laughing his ass off.

"Fuck you, bitch—at-least we're not pussies that are afraid of the snow," KRAZED said, picking himself up.

"I need a joint and a few shots of vodka, or I won't be able to sleep tonight. My ribs are fucked up," Nick said, lifting up his shirt, inspecting his ribs that were now bruised and red.

Back at Brandon's house, we stayed up until 11am the next day, playing Mario Karts. We then woke up at about 8pm to throw a party… Life was fucking awesome back when you were stupid.