RETARDS CAMPING

June 18, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—Back in high school, six of us decided to go camping for the weekend. We would leave Friday night, and come back Sunday morning… Well, that was the plan, anyways.

All six of us piled into KRAZED's uncle's Ford Expedition that he let us borrow for the weekend, in order to traverse through the deep-woods and back roads to our campsite, using four wheel drive. Each of us were tasked with buying and bringing certain items; however, we were all tasked with bringing a dime-bag [$10 bag of weed], and a 30 pack of Bud Light, each. Our plan was to get fucked up, have fun, and leave our girls back home for the weekend.

Thomas was driving, KRAZED sat bitch [passenger seat], while I and the others sat in back.

At this point, we are all eighteen and seventeen year old kids, with a SUV full of beer, weed, and two shotguns; plus, our camping gear, supplies, and food. You know...felons in the waiting, if we ever got pulled over. Anyhow, we brought two, large tents—three to a tent.

We left about 6pm that Friday night for our camping site, which was about an hour drive, and another thirty minute drive down through gravel roads and deep-woods. On the way there, we stopped at a gas station to fuel up the Expedition, and a 5-gallon gas can. After filling up, all six of us walk into the convenient store to buy snacks and drinks.

When we walked in, we noticed the female clerk was a fine ass female that wore daisy-duke denim shorts, and a white tee shirt, while her tan ass cheeks squeezed out the bottoms of her shorts. Evidently, the female did not wear a bra, either, because you could see the color of her tipples through the white tee shirt, plus her hard-nipples protruded through the shirt.

Of course, Daisy-Duke was at the fountain drink, bent over working, looking under the fountain drink cabinet, looking for straw and lid replacements, while all six of us perverts stood behind her, shoulder to shoulder, admiring her pussy lips protruding through her red thong that peeked from behind her denim shorts as she bent over. I will admit…that female gave me a hard-on from Hell…

"Okay, perverts—quit staring, and let's get our shit and hit the road," KRAZED said.

"Bitch, you was the first one to stop and stare," Nick told KRAZED.

"I don't know what you're talking about—I was looking to see if they had Mountain Dew. Where the fuck are the Snickers," KRAZED replied back, and asked.

At the counter, KRAZED pays for his Snickers and a Mountain Dew fountain drink, before he tells Daisy-Duke, "these fuckers want to know if you want to go camping with us for the weekend. They were staring at you while you were bent over refilling the straws; plus, they think you're fine as fuck… They said you had a sexy ass—the best ass they have ever seen. They said that they won't tell your boyfriend..."

"Bitch, you were the first one to stop and stare!" we all shouted, embarrassed—trying to interrupt KRAZED.

"I would, but I have to work in the morning," Daisy-Duke said, laughing and giggling.

KRAZED then says, "I don't blame you for using an excuse, because these fuckers are perverts."

KRAZED then turns around to us, and says, "she said no, because you're all creepy perverts," as he walks out the door, smiling and sipping on his Mountain Dew.

Daisy-Duke giggled and laughed while the rest of us guys threw up the middle finger at KRAZED.

We drive off from the gas station, as KRAZED fiercely broke into his Snickers.

"What the fuck?! Why do they make these wrappers so damn hard to open? An Ethiopian would starve to death before they opened this son of a bitch," KRAZED said.

Dear, Lord—please forgive KRAZED for that statement.

"They're dumbass proof," Nick said, laughing.

"Ha! I got it open, bitch face," KRAZED said, as he turned around showing Nick the Snicker in his right hand, and the wrapper in the left hand.

"Fuck!" KRAZED screamed, as he looked down at the Snicker wrapper in his hand, while all confused and cluster-fucked.

"I fuckin' threw the Snicker bar out the window, instead of the wrapper…" KRAZED said, laughing.

"Like I said—they're dumbass proof," Nick said, laughing.

About an hour later, we arrived at our destination site. We spent about two hours unloading our gear and setting up our tents. Our tents sat about 80-yards from the Missouri River, while the Expedition sat about 10 yards from our tents. The ground was uneven, so we had to make do with what we had; thus, both our tents sat on a slope.

"Where’s the cooler at?" Thomas asked.

"Right here, fucker…" Mike replied.

"What did you bring?" Matt asked Mike.

"Filled to the top with Bud Light and one pack of hotdogs…" Mike replied back.

"Dude, there are six of us…" I informed Mike.

"Ya, duh! Two hotdogs a piece! I had to save room for the beer…" Mike shot back.

"Dude, we're staying for two nights…" I informed Mike.

"Ya, duh! A hotdog a night—quit being a fat ass," Mike shot back.

"Where the fuck did you learn math? There are six of us, and eight hotdogs" I asked and informed Mike.

"The same school, and public education as you," Mike shot back.

"You must have skipped most of your days, or slept most of the time… Matt, did you bring the buns, ketchup, or mustard?" I asked.

"Fuck! I forgot! I did bring another case of beer though, just in case we run out and get thirsty…." Matt replied back.

"What the fuck? Did you guys not remember anything from the list that we made on Wednesday?" I asked the group.

"Don't look at me, bitch tits—I brought everything I was supposed to bring. Chips and marshmallows; plus the two shotguns," KRAZED said.

"One of you fuckers get the fire going! I just ran and grabbed all of the wood!" Thomas said to the group, as he carried a pile of wood to the campfire.

"I will, son…. I need some paper or something, though, to start the fire with…" Nick said.

"Here, use this roll of toilet paper, and some of the gasoline," Mike said to Nick.

"Is that the only roll we have?" I asked.

"Ya, man… We don’t need it anyways… I’d rather eat; I’m starved!" Mike replied back.

"What are we going to wipe with if we have to shit? Did no one bring toilet paper?" I asked.

"Hey, bitch tits—you were the Nazi with the list… It wasn't on the list, and the only reason we had that toilet paper is because Matt stole it from the bathroom at Daisy-Duke's gas station. I had him take it after I realized we didn't have shit-paper," KRAZED said, sitting down, holding the shot gun in his left hand, while holding a beer in his right hand.

"Save some of that…" I said, as I turned around to see Nick holding the whole roll of toilet paper as it burned in a huge fireball, before throwing it on the gasoline-doused-wood.

"Wa-la! Man has created fire! God I’m fucking good! I'm fucking amazing!" Nick said, after starting the fire.

"Settle down, Vulcan…it's just fire," KRAZED said to Nick.

"What're we going to wipe our asses with now?" I asked the group.

"Leaf, duh! There’re plenty of leaves…." Mike shot back.

"Pop open those wieners, fucker! I'm starved," Mike said to Matt.

"Hold on…let me unzip my pants…I have a wiener for ya…" Thomas told Mike.

"Ok, bitch; I want something that will fill me up…" Mike shot back.

"God it’s nice to be away from the females… Nice and quiet; no bitching and moaning…" Nick said.

"Fuck, ya! All we need is a stripper pole in the middle, with a bad bitch swinging on it!" Thomas said.

"Dude, a stripper pole and Daisy-Duke!" Matt said.

"Damn that bitch was bad! I’d blow bubbles in her asshole, son!" Mike shouted, getting excited.

"Dude, did you see those short-shorts she was wearing?!" Thomas asked.

"Dude, those were daisy-dukes! I could see her camel toe! I just wanted to chew right through’em!" Nick said.

"I wonder if her pussy was bald?" I asked.

"No, son; a landing strip and a pierced clit!" Nick said, all excited.

"FUCK! GOD DAMMIT!" Thomas screamed.

"What?!" I asked.

"Got all excited and dropped my damn hot dog in the fucking mud!" Thomas said, laughing.

"Shit, son! Eat that shit dirty! Manlier thing to do! Be a warrior, son!" Mike told Thomas.

"Ya, bitch! Spartan the fuck up! We all know you like dirty wieners, anyways," KRAZED told Thomas.

For several hours, we sat around the campfire, bullshitting, getting high and drunk, talking about random shit.

"Steve [KRAZED], if you could suck your own dick, would you?" Matt asked KRAZED.

"Dude, if men could suck their own dick, we'd never get any work done… I beat my meat about six to seven times a day; now, imagine if a man could suck his own dick…our species would die out," KRAZED asserted.

"Would you suck another man's dick for a million dollars?" Matt asked KRAZED.

"Fuck no! I'd suck my own dick, but I ain't sucking another man's dick," KRAZED asserted.

"A million dollars?! Fuck ya I would!" Thomas asserted.

"You're a cheap hoe. If I'm sucking any dick, you better remove the "m" and replace it with a "b"," Matt told Thomas.

"Remember when Matt was raped by the water buffalo upstairs?" Thomas asked, laughing?

"Fuck off, bitch," Matt told Thomas.

"Ya, I'm the one who caught her riding, while Matt was passed out, puking all over himself," KRAZED said, laughing.

"I walked up after Steven [KRAZED] came downstairs and told everyone, and when I went up, she was pulling up her zebra printed underwear—looking like she done killed and skinned a zebra, and wrapping it around her twat," Nick said, laughing.

"And not one of you fucks tried to stop her, either…" Matt shot back.

"It looked like a personal problem to me," KRAZED said, laughing.

"What was ever funnier is the fact she called two days later, saying she was pregnant and wanted child support," Thomas said, laughing hysterically.

"Ya, and I told the fucker to tell the cops that he was raped by the water buffalo," KRAZED said, laughing.

"Would you rather eat your girl's pussy while she's on her rag, or after two hours of running and exercising in the summer heat?" Mike asked.

"I've done both; that ain't shit," Thomas asserted.

"Dude, you're a sick bastard," I said, laughing.

"You have to love your girl everyday of the month," Thomas shot back.

"Dude, look at that…a worm…" Mike said, as he picked it up.

"Twenty bucks if you eat it! No balls!" Nick shouted, excitedly.

"No balls!" KRAZED repeated.

"Let me see the money, bitches…" Mike shot back.

Nick pulled the $20 from his wallet, and handed it to Mike. Mike then tilts his head back, opening his mouth, and then dangles the worm over his mouth, pausing for a second.

"No balls," Matt said.

Mike then drops the worm into his mouth, and swallows without chewing. After a few seconds of swallowing the worm, Mike starts to dry-heave and retch.

"It's wiggly…it's trying to come back up!" Mike said, while he choked and gagged.

"Here, bitch—wash that fucker down!" KRAZED asserted, handing Mike a Bud Light.

Mike chugged the Bud Light until he finished the can, washing the worm down his throat.

"I thought I was going to choke to death on the worm… Which one of you fuckers was going to give me CPR?" Mike said.

"You was on your own, bitch face—I ain't putting my lips on your lips, especially with that worm crawling in your throat," Thomas asserted.

"What did it taste like?" Matt asked Mike.

"Like a large ball of snot," Mike replied.

"Man, that worm fucked my stomach up… I have to take a shit. Do we have any toilet paper?" Mike asked.

"No, because your dumbasses burnt the only roll we had. Besides, there's leaves; plenty of leaves," I told Mike.

"Fuck it; I have to shit," Mike said, as he ran for a nearby tree in the woods.

Mike squats behind a tree, farting and making shit sounds from his ass.

"Be quite over there! You're going to attract bears," Nick said, laughing.

"Fuck off! My stomach hurts, dude. I have been holding this shit since we got here," Mike said, as he farted and pushed out another turd, making splat sounds from shit hitting leaves.

"There ain't bears in Missouri anymore, anyways," Mike shouted as he grunted, and pushed out another turd.

"I heard they're making a comeback" Thomas shouted.

"Don't worry, bitch tits—I don't think bears like shitty and stank ass, anyways," KRAZED said, laughing.

"Go to Hell, cunts!" Mike shouted back, as he grunted some more.

After spending several minutes squatting behind the tree, Mike joins the camping crew, washing his hands in the river, and then lighting up a joint.

Right before we finished the community joint, coyotes barked, and howled in the woods that surrounded our campsite. The coyotes were within a 100-yards of our campsite; more than likely watching us.

Right at that moment, Thomas flung the joint into the river, as he, Nick, Mike and Matt ran into the tent, and zipped it up. KRAZED racks a shell into the shotgun camber, shoulder-reading the shotgun, as I do the same, while we both peer into the dark woods.

"Damn it, shitty boy—you attracted the coyotes," KRAZED shouted.

The coyotes continued to bark and howl, which then turned into growls as they got closer, disturbing and rustling the woods all around our campsite.

"Oh fuck—they're circling us!" Thomas shouted from the tent.

"What are you pussies doing hiding in the tent? That tent won't save you!" KRAZED asked and shouted.

"It doesn't have to, because once they grab you two fuckers, we'll run for the Expedition!" Matt shouted back.

The coyote growls and barking got louder, as we heard them rustling closer to our camp within the pitch-darkness.

At that moment, KRAZED fires two shells, causing a few coyotes to yelp from within the darkness. He fired two more times, and then the barking stopped.

"I think you hit a couple," I told KRAZED.

We all stood and sat there for a good five minutes in dead silence, peering into the pitch-dark, listening for any movement, when Mike lets out a long, wet, bubbly fart from within the tent, damn waking the dead, while killing those fuckers in the tent with a deadly nerve agent.

"Nasty, bastard—that smells like hot eggs!" Thomas shouted as he tries to open the tent.

"Let me out! Let me out! I'm going to get sick!" Nick said, as they all frantically tried to unzip the tent and rush out.

KRAZED and I are standing near the tent, laughing our asses off, unable to breathe.

"Mike, your stank ass is going to draw the coyotes again!" KRAZED said, laughing hysterically.

At that moment, Nick rushes out of the tent, runs down the slope-hill, towards the river, dry-heaving and retching, until he pukes into the river.

"That was fucking nasty!" Nick shouted as he continued to retch and puke.

"Beer farts, man," Mike replied back.

After standing in the dark for thirty minutes, we decided to call it a night, and pass out in the tents. KRAZED and I, along with Nick, slept in one tent, while Matt, Thomas and Mike slept in the other.

"You bitches get shitty boy," KRAZED said, laughing.

After about an hour inside our tents, it begins to rain, getting cold. The next morning, at around 5am, I wake up to find the other fuckers sitting at the bottom of the slope. Those dumbasses and their tent slid during the night, while not even realizing it.

KRAZED and I walk down to the bottom of the slope, finding Mike's legs and bare-ass-feet hanging out of the tent, while all of them snore.

"Dude, what the fuck happened to the food?" Nick asked, confused.

Both hotdogs were missing, while the marshmallow bag and the three chip bags were ripped opened and devoured.

"Those fucking coyotes came back while we were sleeping," Nick proclaimed.

"No, you would have heard the coyotes. It was more than likely raccoons…" KRAZED declared.

At that time, Mike and the other two walk out of the tent.

"My ass and balls itch like a motherfucker!" Mike shouted.

"Did you wipe your ass after you took a shit?" Matt asked.

"I wiped as clean as I could with leaves," Mike replied back.

"It's not just my ass, though; my balls itch like crazy, too," Mike stated.

"Let me see your dick," I told Mike.

"I'm not showing you my dick, you fucking queer!" Mike shouted back.

"I think your dumb ass wiped with poison oak," I replied back.

"Ya, I can see the vines climbing the tree from here," KRAZED said, while pointing over at the tree where Mike took a shit.

"And none of you dumbasses decided to tell me?" Mike asked, angrily.

"I wasn't paying attention—that was your job," KRAZED shot back.

"Drop your pants, and let us make sure," I said.

Mike drops his pants, and his ass, balls, and dick were covered in a red, blistering rash.

"Oh my god…my dick is swollen!" Mike shouted.

"Dude, your balls look like grape fruits!" Matt said, laughing hysterically.

"Oh my god…what is that?" Thomas said intently, as he leaned down beside Mike, while inspecting Mike's ball sack.

"What?! What the fuck is it?!" Mike shouted and asked, scared.

"What is that?" Thomas asked, as he flicked a blister on Mike's ball sack, causing the blister to pop, sending Mike to his knees in pain.

"Oh my god—you ass hole!" Mike shouted in pain.

"I'm freezing my balls off—where is the hatchet? I'm going to start the fire again," KRAZED stated.

"Here," Matt told KRAZED, as he handed KRAZED the hatchet.

"Where the Hell did you get this? Did you dig it up from George Washington's grave, or some shit?" KRAZED asked, as he stared at the half-broken hatchet.

The bottom of the hatchet-handle was broke and splintered, while the hatchet-head was rusted and half-assed duct-taped to the handle.

"It was the only one I had," Matt shot back.

KRAZED takes George Washington's hatchet and begins chopping on a large piece of dried-up tree branch. On the fourth swing, the hatchet-head flies off, and smacks into the river with a loud thud, causing a large splash and ripple in the river.

KRAZED turns around, holding the hatch-handle and says, "I think it's time for double cheese burgers from McDonald's, and Mountain Dew from Daisy-Dukes…"