WHAT IS PRISON FOOD LIKE?

May 25, 2018 [WILDLY KRAZY]—Beings I worked at a Missouri maximum security prison, I always get the same questions—do men rape other men, and what does prison food taste like?

Of course—some men have been raped in prison, but it is usually only done as an insult and punishment, because the rest—those that are gay—give it up for free, willingly. The prison food…well, most of time people are asking about food that prisoners make and eat themselves, inside of their cells and housing units. Thus, 'inmate food' is what this article will focus on; plus, 'hooch'—homemade liquor made inside of toilets and dirty socks.

Prison life is a different life that is hard to explain, and very few would understand… I will say this, though—some of the most intelligent and crafty people I have ever met were inmates, and for good reasons. You have to be crafty to live in prison and survive, and intelligent people usually end up in prison because they found a way to scam the system, until they get caught.

I have met former police officers, politicians, businessmen, three Marines, and a Navy Seal during my time at the prison. Two of the Marines, and the Navy Seal, were serving time in prison for non-child support. Pretty petty, if you ask me.

We have all done stupid shit in our lives, and the only difference between us and inmates is the fact we did not get caught, whereas they did.

Anyways, enough talking—here are recipes to foods that inmates cook and prepare in their cells, using creativity.

Remove the icing from Oreo cookies.

Crumble and crush Oreo cookies, and then mold the cookies into a pie crust—or bottom layer of the cake—using water or milk.

Take the Oreo icing and put it on top of the Oreo cookie crust, creating the cake filling.

Next, use peanut butter as the icing, spreading it across the Oreo icing.

Then sprinkle crumbled chocolate chip cookie and-or M&Ms on top of the peanut butter icing.

Enjoy—you have created a cake that is used in prison to celebrate holidays, birthdays and release-dates.

Use 'commandeered' butter from the kitchen, crushed graham crackers, add hot water, put the lid on, and then take it to your bunk and cover with a pillow to hold in the heat, until the butter melts. After about ten minutes of 'cooking', let stand until it cools and hardens.

Use 'commandeered' cheese, lemon juice, and vanilla pudding to mix into a cream-like substance.

Pour the 'cheesecake' cream onto the 'crust', let sit in front of a central air vent until chilled.

Enjoy—you have created a cheesecake that is used in prison to celebrate holidays, birthdays and release-dates.

Use hot water, ramen noodles, and crackers to form into a crust on top of the ramen noodle bag, or trash bag, depending on the size of the pizza you are making. Let the crust harden for about ten minutes.

Top with cheese spread, ramen noodle seasoning, beef stick, beef jerky, and salsa.

Enjoy—you have created a pizza eaten damn near every night. Beware, however, because the pizza causes egg-smelling farts.

Similar to prison pizza, except you use Cheetos and Fritos in place of the ramen noodles and crackers. Top with cheese spread and salsa.

Enjoy—you have created a cheesy pizza eaten damn near every night. Beware, however, because the pizza causes egg-smelling farts.

Use the season from the ramen noodles and pour into water.

Enjoy—you have created heart disease water.

You will either need a toilet or a small plastic bag—sometimes trash bags.

Mix warm water, fruit from the kitchen, fruit juice from the kitchen, tomatoes or raisins, sugar, and old moldy bread—not hard bread… Put the moldy bread into a sock, and dip the sock into the fruit mix, and let ferment for about a week…

Enjoy—you have created liquor that smells like seven-day-old-unwashed ass, used in prison to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and release-dates.